The Tales of Lanthor

Book 1: The Apocalypse

Author: WerewolfReaper

Edited by B-pen

Lanthor looked down at the crowded streets below him, he was searching for any Wyrm tainted individuals on the street (it was easy to see them).

What? The sentence construction’s disjointed, and frankly.. not descriptive enough. Try something like: Lantor perched upon the rooftop of a disused apartment building, and looked down upon the crowded streets below. It was easier to see from up here any individuals with a Wyrm-taint upon them.

But tonight was quiet, only humans roamed the streets, trying to get home before the weather turned for the worst.

Turned for the worse..

Suddenly a strange smell crept into his nose and he sniffed sharply to get a focus on it. It smelt somewhat familiar but it was an old scent he had not detected for a long time. It smelt like, another garou! He sniffed a few more times to get a better idea of it’s location, it was obvious to him now, there was another garou on those streets, but it was too crowded to see.

I see now that you’ve got a tendency for the passive verb. Try to take a more active-sounding tone, place the verbs first, then the declaratives next… don’t be too used to run-on sentences. Short sentences add a sense of immediacy. Like;

And suddenly, a strange smell crept into his nose. He sniffed sharply, trying to get a focus on where it was coming from. It smelt somewhat familiar… but it was an old scent, one he hadn’t detected for a long time. He’d almost forgotten what it was. But he knew, he knew…. the smell!! It smelt like.. ANOTHER GAROU!!

He sniffed a few more times, turning his head this way and that, to get a better idea of its location. It was obvious to him now, there was another garou on the streets, but it was too crowded to see.

He shifted to his homid form and went down to have a look as Jack Steinburg rather than his terrifying crinos form.

By the way, this is about the point you should be explaining what a garou was, and what crinos form is. Even though you wrote this for people with a background already on the plotline, don’t neglect the innocent reader. ALWAYS write clearly and informatively, as if the reader wouldn’t have any previous inkling of what it was you were writing about.

The garou, Jarod, was walking down the streets in his black leather trenchcoat.

WHAT does Jarod look like? Is he tall, short, black-haired or brown, how long is his hair, any distinctive features? Unless you describe your characters, they will remain two-dimensional and unreal… which is bad. Much of the fun in reading and writing is identifying with the characters, and that can’t happen unless the reader has a good idea of really ‘who’ these people are.

Lonely, as usual... no garou would accept him. Not after what had happened. No humans would accept him either, they were all too scared. It was a fucked up world.

Still, something was different on this night. Someone or something was watching him. Did it bear the Wyrm taint? He slid his hand down to his belt, just to make sure that his trusty six-barrel still was there. Then he sensed it! ‘There must be a garou nearby’ he thought to himself.

Description, description, description!

What is this ‘sense’? How does it feel like? How does it differ from a sensing of a Wrym-taint? It’s the absence of little nuggets of info like this that can irritate a reader. Or an editor. ;)

Remember, write clearly and informatively.

He sped up and walked steadily towards the nearby subway entrance. He had to get out of there as soon as possible. Jack saw a figure that stood out from his trenchcoat who headed for the subway.

WHO IS THIS JACK? WHY DO YOU SWITCH PERSPECTIVE SO QUICKLY AND WITH SO LITTLE SEGUE INFORMATION? WHO IS STANDING OUT? JARROD OR LANTHOR? WHY AM I TALKING IN CAPS LOCK CAUSING INTERNAL BLEEDING?! Argh.

Okay, after reading forward.. it seems Jack IS Lanthor. If I’m wrong, you really, really need to describe things more. Hell, wrong or not.. Write. More. Descriptions. ^_^

And try;

He sped up his walking pace and weaved through the river of people, towards the nearby subway entrance. He had to get out of there as soon as possible… a mass of witnesses or not, he no longer felt same in so exposed a place as this commercial row.

Across the street, Jack(also known as Lanthor) jumped down effortlessly from the wall. Keeping himself in the shadows of the alley between the old brick buildings, he observed Jarod enter the subway.

He decided to follow him, in case he was a Spiral dancer. Although he could smell no Wyrm taint on him, he wasn’t going to take the chance that his human senses may have been deceived.

..the human part of his senses?

He approached the subway entrance where the garou had gone and froze. He hated subways, ever since what had happened to his brother all those years ago. He held his fears and memories back as always and went down.

He approached the subway entrance where the garou had gone, and froze before it. His hands balled into fists, and a light snarl escaped his lips. He hated subways, ever since what had happened to his brother all those years ago. He held back his fears and memories, as he had always tried, every walking moment of his life.. and went down.

His life as a wolf had taught him how to stalk people. He kept an eye on his target and stayed hidden but followed him onto a train. Jack sat down nearby and looked innocent while using his smell and hearing to keep track of the other one's movements, he was determined to stay on him. Jarod looked around at the passengers. One of them on the train was a garou. Sweat drops started running down his neck. That always happened when he knew he was in danger.

It also happens when you’ve exerted yourself, when you’re overheated, when you’re uncomfortable or nervous. It’s called perspiration.

Try, he could feel the hairs rising at the back of his neck. A rivulet of sweat ran down his collar. This, was a sensation he recognized with dismay. It was an instinct that told him he was in danger.

He got ready to get off the train when it reached the platform. He memorized everybody in the tram in order to recognize his follower a bit later.

..the faces of everybody in the train..

The train stopped and Jarod jumped off. So did about ten or fifteen other people.

Jumped? JUMPED?! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

*falls over laughing *

Woohoo.. sorry. But, damn, that is. A.Wrong. Sentence. Aheheh… okay. Deep breaths. Maybe I should stop this review right here for the moment. Given the size of this fic, I might be finished by tomorrow… or the day after that(if you still want me to). Hey, I’m just trying to help, but there are also other things that call my attention. I..might not be able to resist.. RIFFing this. ^_^